i am struggling with a cold through the chemo and other interactions. Immune system is deprressed and doesn't want to get me completely well. :) I'm still slugging of course. :) We had a big storm and it rained and blew so hard it was tempting to just burst into tears and shake like a weasel. Instead i was safe and sound in my Father's care.

More soon. Time to study.

I am of sound mind and body, for so the Bible has promised me, I have claimed its promise, and I believe it  No lingering traces of insanity here, folks, Have a nice time in your ilfe journey if that's the reason you've been reading this journal. Go away if that's your crank.

Bible study verse by verse has opened a new era in my life, and truthfully, it no longer matters when I die for we all shall die, in some way, unless we endure the rigors of the final days  of Biblical Revelations and eschatology. If religion is why you have been reading this journal, you are also invited to read elsewhere. This is the extent of my religious discussion of beliefs for the  public view  If you find a hunger for such peace of spirit which i now enjoy, find a Biblical Discussion Group of some kind and go personal, one on one with Moses and the God of the Bible Looking at Moses' life, as the Holy Spirit illumines it has already so strongly affected me, that iam rebuilt anew.

Chemo  #3 is still an unknown but the rigors of drug ineractions was a terrific trial thrice with this drug alone, already. I'm still here, but it doesn't hurt much, and I'm no  longer frightened I will keep you informed as I have another update coming this week, with the oncologist.  :)

Withdrawal from chemo you''ve been doing for 3 months is rough. with some hiccoughs. Also i was off chemo totally for 3 weeks and life just seemed so hard to slog through, though i've tried to keep in touch where i could. Anyway, about a week and a half ago, i started a new chemo orally and it interacted with some of my current meds badly and set off a bad state of affairs. Changes are in the wind already, as I'm alert and aware again now. Stil I thank God for His consistent care of me and His ways of awakening those around me when i need to be tended in some new way.

Without Him, this time i might have remained in a zonked-drugged out state for unknown time frame. Scary. I want to LIVE life, to His glory, not walk thru this life in some unaware place. :) Heads up world, she's back in the slugging ring and fighting for victory over this cancer lil bug. Let's all pray for the doctors managing my meds, to find what's right to swat this bug out of existence, hmmm? :)

I'd like one medium-sized Fly Swatter, please, God....just this bug's size, cuz it cain't be all -that- big a deal right? You're God!

That's it from the cancer zone for tonight. I'll be around for quite a while this time, journalling often. Silences usually mean that i'm in some trouble, hold on pray hard, and i'll be back in the ring, okay, guys?

  I've rarely thought about death in any way. I abhor scary movies, i don't watch horror movies, i don't go to funerals, i don't read obituaries, i don't think about those who die, and on the whole, i avoid the whole subject. Interesting.

Faced with someone's belief that I'll die in a year or so, has an interesting effect. All of a sudden, people are showing me movies about death, dying and things related, and i'm finding an inner drive to watch them all. 

It's galvanizing me into doing things that i've wanted to do for years. i'm working harder on my blankets in progress, driven almost. i've almost stopped reading books, in preference to spending the time doing the things that i most want to complete in this lifetime, wanting them to be given to the people i love not sitting unmade in fabric or yarn bins in my apartment.  In contrast, suddenly, i want to be visiting with the people i care about, which is pretty ridiculous. I could give up my apartment, keep a bank account and just start travelling i suppose.  I could take off from school, and work on all the projects instead for this year, just in case it's only a year i happen to have after all? Selfless in a way, but selfish too, since i'd be forever doing stuff instead of visiting with the people themselves. So it's a quandary. So much to do, and I still have a degree to get in college.

 Called to go to a seminar on The Christian Mind, and why it should have an advantage over any other kind of mind that may or may not try to be healed by its owner. After all this time, i''m still trying to  figure out if i'm sane, insane, a normal human or some montage of personality  fragments. Sad.

We got there late, because Gpd wanted me to (re) learn that it gives a good feeling to leave the house in order. Remnants of my mother's training, but updated to my new persona. The stuff we missed just "happens"to be on his webpage, Seminar went until 6 pm. I was dead-exhausted after, but it was worth it. I'm a lot closer to being healed in mind than I had ever considered.  Thank You, Diety.

I'm beginning to think...even if our family got together for a full reunion, it'd be okay, somehow. Egos aside, Sheer Arrogance and that cockiness that almost all of us have would see us through such a strange episode. Full Remission of the Cancer is what I'm needing, and this guy thinks i can have it for the asking. So i aked. Yes, I really did. I'm not ready to die yet. I've nly just begun finaly to be ready to live. That probably sounds a bit odd.

I finally have a replacement for my Mars-kitty. No, she hasn't double-paws, nor is she orange-tabby, but she's much like Mars in personality. This time i won't be lopping off her front claws, and will take better care of her than I did Mars. I still feel such horrible guilt over the way she must have died. But all i can do is go forward, not backward.

The cancer hasn't responded in any overtly popsitive way to any of the chemo so far tried. We're going to try an oral agent, 4 pills morning and 4 evening. I can't remember the name of it. i'm still suffering some losses of short-term and long-term memory from those siezures i had.

SSDI has come through for me, in a limited way. Soon, i'll be able to live without bankrupting relatives. i feel good about that. 

So much to think about this morning. It's just gone   6:26, and i was up until well after midnight, going through stuff to be givn to the arts n crafts program of that  VBS. i'm still afraid to do it. Debbie says i'll have to demonstrate how to use the stuff. Maybe so, but i've never actually "played" with all my toys. 

Mmm. i don't feel so ill all of a sudden. I woke feeling nausaous and upset because life isn't going the way i thought it would Dumb, i know.

i need more sleep. Time to try again.

 2 sets of chemo (4 cycles of each) have done nothing but halt the growth. Time for another change, i guess. This one's going to be oral pills twice a day.

hospitalization for 10 days, 2 seizures, weak as a kitten. Nobody knows why any of it.. Depressed and upset. 
Scared  and feeling  isolated and triggered into all sorts of old memories and traumas. Struggling with all sorts of things. 

As the drugs clear out of my system, finally, the effects of the seizures wear off increasingly well, and the effects of the hallucinations clear my body, my mind clears, my heart opens to its new tasks, and daily I begin to see the pattern of my life changing.

I am forbidden to die of cancer. I know this without doubt or weakness. I question not the command. Instead, i must turn my attention to how to fulfill that which I have been commanded. Why you might ask, would I be so certain that i am so forbidden? It is not the time for me to die. Had Diety desired me dead, i could have made so any time in the past, when I was busily begging the release of death on a daily, nay - oft hourly basis.  i could have been allowed to die with every drive I every made, for I am not a good driver, and I was saved by direct intervention in some form each time. I joke not.  

Angelic visitors woke my sister, the night our house burned nearly to the ground, in order to save our lives. Time and time again, I have been saved from death by both direct and indirect cause. And now i am to die by simple cancer? I SO think not. 

Therefore, rebellious i must become. Obey doctors yes, in treatment, but never, never in belief rendered to their declaration of my "Fate". It is but foolishness to attempt to believe such rampant nonsense can still the creeping step of death. Yet i shall do what i can. i have always attempted to be the most obedient of girls. I hesitate always to disobey or displease others in any way. If you my readers will think positively, pray for time to complete those tasks given me by Diety, send positive energy if that is Your path to belief, I would richly appreciate it, and make good use of all that wonderful energy and life to live on and share what Diety is demanding of me, as time goes on. I already know the first part of the tasks appointed, and one which i am capable of doing, while others are not possible until after chemo has had its way with my body. For all those of you who have longed for rebellion to show itself in someone's life, who has never been so, this is your chance. *giggles*

And this is my declaration of intent. Death shall not conquer me via this cancer, for such is not the chosen Will of my Deity. Many another has made such vows and lost, while others make such vows and succeed. It is my turn to take the vow. Cancer shall not cause my death. Nothing shall cause my death as long as Deity commands me to live and be their obedient slavegirl. 

Work with me, join with me in my declaration of faith and determination. Become a part of my small story.

And stay tuned.

I've known for a couple of days now, but been trying to come to terms with what the doctors are saying.

Guess what? (as if anyone hasn't seen this coming....)

6-8 months fairly comfy if I respond well to chemo, then 4 not very horrid months of dying.
OR
4 months miserable if I respond poorly to chemo, then 4 miserable no effectual treatment, then 4 totally agonizing dying months.

Yep. Got it in one. Year that is.

But i'm forbidden to die. Now there's a quandary. Moreover, I, like most of us, believe our lives serve some purpose. Mine hasn't. Sorry....going homeless, working minimum wage jobs to get by, attending church only as called to do so, reading and learning: these are not the accomplishments of a purposeful life.  So I'm supposed to serve my purpose all in one  year? I think  not. I have been given 4 passions in the past year of my life, none of them expected. So I guess Diety won't let me die anytime soon. I wonder if I have a lot of pain in my future. whoopie-ding-ding-dong. Like I don't already have enough. Heh.

So that's the latest. And my major is changing. First meaningful purpose: Write the damned book everyone keeps telling me to write. Okay, so I don't want to. Okay, so I don't think it'll do anybody any good. They can't -all- be wrong, and only -me- right. *giggle* So I'll write the thing. Didn't never get told I had to let it get PUBLISHED. Besides, no publisher in their sane right mind  would want to publish the book i'm going to write. *laugh* So I'll do what I was told to do, and leave the rest up to Diety. My job will be done.

I'll probably have my B.S. in about 2 semesters...by then i should have most of the book writtten, too. :)

Nah, I don't -dare- die.

 I'm doing pretty well today, so it's nice to take note of nice things happening in my life. I have some pictures on my walls, finally, Josephine Wall greeting cards actually, and one poster of "Child of the Universe". For those of you unfamiliar with her, here's her webaddress: www.josephinewall.co.uk where she posts pictures of her artwork, updating as she goes. There is a page to link to the places that sell her greeting cards and other merchandize like PUZZLES. :) I am going to start one of her puzzles tonight, while watching TV, i think. I have so many it's hard to choose. 

I've framed and put on my walls some of the cards and pictures i've been sent from people and places too. My apartment is  not feeling like just a place to sleep these days. It's a home. Natasha, my kitty, is adorable...i hope to upload a picture of her today, but it might be more problem than easy.  

What's going on is very life-changing. I don't know what His plans for me are anymore. I guess just go for the gusto, and if it doesn't get won, look around for the real one? *giggles* I'm essentially painfree most of the time now, which makes its own amazing difference. I'm still weak much of the time, but i suspect that's as much not being used to doing much due to all the pain I was so used to. Time to discover hobbies and do them. *grin* 

I'm studying my greek books from last year, now, oddly enough, because I really did want to learn to read "attic greek" as it is called.

Watch "The Bucket List"  or the "Stepmom" if you want to know what my biggest scares are. Warning: my fears are biiig fears to me. Each movie brings me some help though. I've begun my own "Bucket List" but i'm scared to put anything on it yet. 

The sun is out today, it's glorious and I want to go picture-taking of fountains now that it's spring and they're all in full flow and flower. That would be a glorious collection to make. What a fun idea. okay, now i want to do it. *grin* (asking permission of my caretaker for the out of the house excursion)...as the sun goes behind the big clouds that are promising rain today sometime. *pouts* Another time. 

I had chemo on Wednesday, this week, I think. Why am I not sure? Wait. I remember, now. We watched the Bucket List on Tuesday  night, i think and i wasn't really out of shock until yesterday. whew. Impactful.

Well, I'm feeling good and clear-headed today, maybe this chemo treatment will be easy on me.  So far, so good. :)

Bye for now.

So we change chemo treatments. Now it's 3 weeks out of 4 i get chemo. *sigh* On the other hand, my Blood Pressure is within normal bounds, my asthma is under control, my liver has gotten less fatty and is working better  now, my digestion is doing much better, and i am diabetic officially, though my glucose levels are well within normal range now that i'm on medication for it. 

it's been hard. The cancer has metastisized to the center of my chest, near my heart in the lymph nodes there, sa well as in the nodes under my left arm. The tumor itself has not decreased in size at all, apparently. 

My speaking skills are suffering. it's almost like, the more out of control i feel, the less capable i am of speaking at all. I speak childishly, haltingly, and have been doing so, for the past 3 days. It feels very odd. I can handle the social stresses sort of, but not the touches. I'm getting really really touchy about not wanting people to touch me. 

They've diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, asthma, hypertension, multiphasic pain syndrome, fibromyalgia, breast cancer (Infiltrating Ductile Cancer and Inflammatory Breast Cancer) stage 4, metasticized.

 i'm elated, yet flattened. applying for SSDI/SSI is weird. That they are listening to me is  a miracle.

 ... Just pure misery. I didn't do an entry yesterday because i was in too much pain and frustration to do it. I've now got hives over 50% of my body. OUCHIE! they hurt! I never knew hives -hurt-. I just thought they itched and stuff. *sigh*

So now i take prednisone and benadryl plus all the other meds. oxycodone is a blessing. i took some yesterday to start the pain-relief effort, then Ultram kept it under control. Tonight after adding another day of -that- misery, I have had to endure a day of botox lips. My lips are swollen to twice their normal size and it hurts just as bad or worse as the worst of the hives. *sigh* i didn't go anywhere today, and no pretties today. Just a day of quiet, agonizing endurance. 

i'm hoping to fall asleep soon. oxycodone started the pain releif about 3 hours ago, and i just took another flexeril, hoping to stay pain-free long enough to get some sleep. 

Since Monday, i've been clearheaded for the most part, bouncy on occasions, even snappish and pissy at some. This means i've had more energy than i've had for several weeks. 

This has been a good week, overall. Of course, tomorrow is blood draw day. Oof. Yucko.

I saw a whole huge flowerbed of bright yellow daffodils. such aliveness in the wake of all the storms.

I want a room painted bright yellow. *giggles* Or a mint green. Hmm. so many colors, so many things i want, and so little money for any of it. *laughs*

Well, the drugs are keeping me pretty stable now, it appears. 

It's been a good day. I'm content. 

The nausea is getting more prevalent with each cycle. Today i had to take Reglan in order to eat lunch. Ugh. But i did eat. Had lovely fruit salad and a chicken breast english muffin sammich for supper. Mmm.

Headachey, as I seem to be getting more photo-sensitive than usual. Winded easily, the Xanax doesn't prevent the growing urge to nest in my apartment and never go out, really. I am on a very slow spiral towards agoraphobia, I think. I've noticed a slight downturn in my mental well-being since they upped my Celexa to 60 mg from 40. I think I'm going to back down to 40 mg and see what it does for me.  Stopping the Glucophage has been a relief, but honestly it helped with the constipation, and although it added nausea it was controllable with the other anti-emetics. 

Today's pretties were a lovely dogwood which hadn't been destroyed by the huge storms we had...a lovely lady sitting on a cement bench enjoying the sun with her head back singing along to her IPOD, while at her feet her lovely golden retriever played and danced about.  We saw the horse fountain (one of these days I'm going to post a picture...maybe on the day they turn the water yellow again, to support our troops). 

It was a very good day in many ways. My tumor was hurting a lot today, so I had lots of moments of "YEAH, go -GET- those cancer soldiers, lil chemo-warriors!!!" and had fun with war scenes sufficiently bloody and gory to make -me- feel nauseous all over again. Oopsie! :)

 

 The weekend after the 3rd chemo is done now. I'm beginning to feel halfway normal mentally, though not necessarily physically. Things are slowly working out with help in the apartment, and with good meals, somewhat stable medications and someone to help keep me tied into life, I'm doing more connectedly, more consistently.

I've been lonely. I've been in less pain, the oxycodone does actually seem to help with the overall pain management system. I've been more nauseous, working with the various types of anti-emetics to keep it under control...Light seems to hurt my eyes, a lot, I'm having extreme responses to odors and such, and I'm  riding a fine line between calm and panicking. Probably just too much overall stress.

The tumor does seem to be shrinking, though it's hard to be sure how much. I still get the really ouchy pain in the tumor and my lymph nodes which are involved after each chemo treatment, and I still do the little visualization of all the little chemo warriors marching on the cancer army hideouts, waging war, and kicking cancer ass. I rather like doing that. It's probably the most fun I have each chemo cycle. *giggles*

This is only 3 of the likely 8 though, so there's a lot of time yet for the chemo to really seriously start kicking cancer ass.

*sigh* It's late. I'm re-instituting bedtime for myself. If I stay up after midnight, I seem to get little reestful sleep, whereas if I just go ahead to bed at midnight, I sleep soundly til around 8 or so, and wake up feeling rested. Much more healthy for my body, I'm quite sure. Also less nerve-wracking.

I do wish I had someone else to report on how I'm doing on days I'm not doing well, though. I'm working on a couple of ideas, if my mind doesn't go on vacation again too soon. *wry smile*

My pretties for today are: A sweet handsome lad who stepped in to check our apartment for water leakage into the basement. Buff, baby, buff!!! *rrrrr* *giggles* 
                                         : I played with my gourd drum early in the am, banging along with some of my native american music while singing along.
                                        :  I got to have black cherry coolaid. The -real- stuff. with real sugar! (it had been lost in a drawer since last summer and got found today)
                                       

Okay, time to go. Nini, family and friends. Thank You all for caring and for loving me.

It's been a harrowing 2nd cycle. So much to do, so little reserves to do it all with, brain-fuzzed to some extent every day of this cycle. Things cleared up a bit on zippity-day, but there wasn't the same -lift- physically this time. They also cut down the dosage of zippity-pills...because they raise my blood sugar dangerously high, risking development of full-blown diabetes type II. THAT would certainly mess things up considerably more, so although I am sorry to lose the effect to an even greater extent, I have to be grateful not to be raising the stakes unnecessarily.

Even with my home-health-assistant in situ, life was much much harder this last cycle. I am finding that I don't have the reserves to really help others who are even needier than myself, or with their own issues to resolve, and sometimes that hurts me to admit. I've always been the helper, so rarely allow anyone to help me, that this is a drastic turnaround in my whole stream of living. It was ghastly when I  was height-sick,, feeling so completely helpless, dependent, isolated and alone, yet this is far worse, and will last so very much longer. I guess I didn't listen hard enough then.

I'm whizzy-brained today. Very shaky emotionally and mentally, though relatively stable physically, which feels so very odd. Terrifying when my mind goes foggy and I can't think, when i have the strength to do things....the total feeling of not being in control of my thinking.  Emotionally I've always been used to the full height and depth of feelings and the impact on my life, for many years, now, but this new dimension of robbing me of the clarity of thought is a new terror.

Yet, I have never vomited yet in this chemo course. I have been mildly nauseous, but never agonizingly. Yes, I've been weak, shaky, unstable, but it could have been far worse. I've now lost almost all of even the slightest stubble of hair. It's almost easier to just admit the truth and not wear the wigs or hats, because my body temperature isn't remaining stable and I keep having fevers that make me take off whatever was on my head anyway. *laugh*

The unexpected side-effects of this whole experience keep shocking me on a daily basis. Connections reforged in painful sharing of similar experiences from those who reach out to me, the tentative bridges being woven to long-lost relationships, and the loving support and strength of those who love me, held out freely, letting me relax in the knowledge that I am loved, cared for, thought of. I couldn't do it without each of you. 

Life is about living, not about dying. Taking that little risk, to weave a delicate strand of a bridge to someone whom you've hurt, who's iinjured you sometime, taking the precious moment to really stand and stare at the line of dogwood trees in full bloom at the corner of the street. Observing that precious moment between a mother and her child as she lifts it out of its carrier, to cuddle it close and nuzzle its forehead. That's what makes life precious. Spending that one extra minute waiting online for someone you just know is in some sort of trouble, when they can finally connect. *smiles* 

Every day I am blessed in this journey of life. I may not have understood much at the times it was darkest, but I'm learning to look back with this new outlook,  and what I see has value. All of it. It has been worth it, as I accepted by faith before, but now I begin to see the web it has all formed and I am nearly content. Not quite, because I'm still human. *wry smile*

Thanks for checking in on me, today. May your journey through life be brightened in some way today. 

 I have had maybe 3 days of relative mental clarity it seems, though that hasn't coincided with the ability to speak effectively for the most part Verbal Aphasia is becoming a serious problem these days. i've been spiking fevers up to 100.5 of so but the point to call the nursing staff is 102 or above, so that's no help. School has very definitely tken a back seat to  the chemo, for a very simple reason. Without claity of mind, i can't write even in this journnal.Without verbal skills nothing happens. k

That should scare me, but my emotions are frozen behind a wall of ice.  I feel alonging  for themi want them back,yet  i'm soscared  *sigh*''ihavetogo.  i need ccalm, quiet.. More later

 It has been a very hard 2 weeks. Moving, Losing my hair, nausea, sick internal organs, dryness so bad my lower lip bled and split in a crack, that took almost a week to heal up with constant water and moisturizer...feverish then cold, high then crying...it's been a very busy 2 weeks.

2nd chemo was Wed just past. Today i'm so weak and exhausted it's all i can do to think every now and then. Horrible. i'm too used to clarty of thought,even if my body won't cooperate.

i feel horridlyvulnerable, with my head bald, everything else on my body clean of hair. Life is strange. i feel like a newborn babe, struggling to learn the facts of life. Everything is different. I'm weaker, yet inside i'm stronger than ever. The drugs take over sometimes but that's good because today it suddenly occurred to me that i'm being FED poison, designed to kill some part of mybody, and i had to talk myself down from the panic, by remembering that it's supposed to attack only certain -kinds- of parts of my body. But it's hard to believe it will only kill those parts sometimes.

my neck hurts so badly all the time now. i don'tk now why. okay, i have to go now. i feel floaty and strange, time for food or movement or something to bring me back to my body.

It's  been a quiet few days here in the journal. There are several reasons for this: a visiting relative, some very foggy days mentally, some very NAUSEOUS days, physically, and a growing fatigue and weakness which is slowing me down! Today was blood draw day, to hopefully find out how bad the damage to my white blood cell and red blood cell manufacturing system has been in the first chemo treatment. 

I'll know results of that soon, I think.

Meantime, I do feel weaker, and more fatigued. I don't know if this is my mind or if this is for real. I'm inclined to think real, because i wasn't able to -do- the things i'm used to doing today. I was back to being -really- breathless.

Blood draw was painless and a very pleasant little side-note to the day. I am very happy now that the chemiport was installed, no matter how bad it was to get it in there. 

Had a nice lunch out which was the very height of decadence. Cheesecake Factory, for those of you who may know of it. Highly recommended as an upper when depressed about chemo and cancer, okay? 

Came home to look at jewelry on the web and take a hot bath, hoping nothing fell off. So far, no hair loss.

 Oh well. At least i don't have to do anything hard today. My cleaning lady got back in touch with me, so soon it'll be neat again. That should help my mental state some. 

Less fuzzy than yesterday. I was able to play a game for a while. Slept for a while, ate a healthy meal. Doing better, overall. Still weak, though.